A funny thing with lingerie has just made me realize something. Today was the first day in a very long time that I bought cute lingerie. I had some nice pieces, when I was younger, then I got married, and also moved to Asia where it was for some reason harder to find things I liked and that fit. And the perfectionist in me refuses to get something unless I really like it. So if the color is wrong or some detail looks lame, I will not get it. Which tends to lead to me sometimes having a serious lack of clothes, or really worn out clothes. And then I ask myself why can't I just be like everyone else?! Other people wear clothes they may not perfectly love and that don't fit perfect. They have proper outfits. Another reason why I struggle with this so much is the intense overwhelm I feel when going through all these options, and then not even knowing if they'll fit. I swear I only have about an hour of trying on clothes before I get frustrated and just don't care anymore. And that includes cueing up time.
But that's not the point of the story. I learned 2 things today. One- that maybe I can just be like everyone else and get cheap cute lingerie just for the purpose of variety and spice. Let me just say- it worked. And I dont have to think about the fact that lingerie is mostly made of cheap polyester which is made from plastics, which will most likely not get decomposed the right way, so I am technically polluting the planet for the sake of not being bored. Lord we live in such a weird world. I have been going really deep into how I justify certain pollution, and certain other pollution just makes me horribly guilty. Like how can I actually feel good about the fact that I produce 2 sheets of plastic to use a sheet mask for 15 min so that my skin has a slight more moist glow? Like the kind of things that we consume and create to evade death and aging just a little bit more- when all of us will go to dust very quickly and inevitably anyway. It just seems so absurd.
Back to the lingerie. The second thing I learned, was that I am 33 years old, and I still don't feel like a woman. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm a virgin in any way, or that I'm a prude. But the idea of doing some very assertive adult woman kind of porny type of talk just makes me feel embarrassed. It's like I still feel like a young girl. And I wonder if I feel that way because I want to feel that way as long as possible, so I can avoid being an adult. Or is it that I don't want to get older in general because that will mean I have to be more serious and more responsible?
Or.. Could it be that when I was an adolescent, my mom was so jealous of my becoming a woman that it was indirectly communicated to me from all ends that I am not yet a woman, and that there are clear differences. Differences that I will understand one day when I actually am a woman. Ever since then I tried to imagine when that will actually be. No one ever told me what age that actually is. How old will I be when I'm a woman? Will anyone tell me when its time?
I think I waited until I forgot that I was even waiting, until today I remembered that it still didn't happen. When do we actually get permission to be a woman? It seems to me that some girls take that permission at some point and they claim it, and the world just agrees. Or maybe they don't care if the world doesn't agree. But what about those of us who have been told we are not yet to be a woman, and no one has yet come to tell us when our ban will be lifted?
How many of us are walking around like that?
And what does it mean to be a woman?
To me that thing which I still do not feel like is assertive, knows what she's doing, doesn't get fooled, firm in her truth, takes what's hers, is not intimidated by anyone, ready to speak up.
Maybe its a kind of lost innocence. A kind of disillusioned, I've seen everything, and I believe in nothing anymore kind of image I carry around. And of course why would I want to be a woman if that's how I see her. There are aspects of this attitude I like, like the speaking up, but I think the main reason why I don't want to choose it is that I am afraid the disillusionment would kill the romantic in me. I prefer to be naive, I prefer to believe in things. In love especially. It's as if in our culture older women are portrayed as having been mistreated and unappreciated. And maybe thats why subconsciously I am choosing to stay on the green side, even if my wrinkles are starting to say not for much longer 😉.
I wish we lived in a world where being a light, carefree, appreciated, gentle, happy, aligned, fulfilled, grounded woman was not a choice we had to actively make in the face of culture.